Let's Talk: Saying Goodbye to Ballet

Hi everyone!

This post is going to be... erm, difficult for me. And for reasons that hopefully can be understood. Because right now, we're going to talk about why I had to say goodbye to my first passion, ballet. It wasn't a guy, it wasn't an obsession, it was a passion. It was something that was supposed to give me a future. A life.

But not anymore.

I started heavily thinking about quitting in 2012. It was late in the year, I had just started pointe, I was happy with my dancing but not with my body. In fact, it became hard to deal with my body looking so... awkward. I didn't look pretty en pointe. I looked weird. Stocky, heavy, even when I was fully lifted. I couldn't close first position because my calf muscles were too big. I started missing Irish dancing--not because it was better, but because I was better built for it. Ballet was something amazing, but Irish dancing was more fitting for me.

And then I danced in a showcase in May 2013. It was a fundraiser for school, and I did a more jazzy routine. I thought it looked okay. But after having my mom video tape it, I thought something different. The technique, positions, everything was on--but it still looked awkward. I cried that night harder than any other time I had ever cried. It was like being put through a breakup... because my passion couldn't take it.

It wasn't until this past July that I went back. I was determined to get better, to start running, to stop eating so much, to become skinnier and get rid of my bulky muscles forever. But then, something else ended up stopping me, and killing my career: Achilles tendonitis.

It was only after three weeks of being back at ballet that I started having a hard time walking. The bottoms of my heels hurt, my calves hurt, and my Achilles couldn't bear to be stretched. Something was wrong, and after talking to both my mom and my dance teacher, we made the hardest decision I've ever had to make: I quit dance.

I don't think the impact of it has hit yet. I still think about going back, about barre, about everything. But it's already October and my Achilles are still incredibly sensitive, and I often have to take it easy. Irish dancing has been cut back, any dancing has to be limited to twenty or so minutes--it's the cruelest trick of fate there ever was.

And now the hardest part is replacing that hobby with something else. I'm back to blogging, writing, researching, focusing on this new relationship, and hopefully am going to find something. Something to replace that passion. It's a hard road, but this blog'll probably get a lot more interesting. (:

Cheers!
Jenn