The PMDD Pledge

Hi everyone!

Okay, so, meds are awesome and I'm so grateful I'm on them. But to think that they'd fix everything and make me happier is stupid--and unrealistic. (maybe foolish is a better word?) I recently started researching on actual ladies with PMDD and how their medications have been working. Apparently, things will slip through. There hasn't been one that said: "And the anxiety and dysphoria never returned, the end." Instead, the anxiety attacks are shorter and easier to get out of. They get better--but still not perfect. And being that school is my trigger, this is still a problem.

Anyway, I've decided to make myself recite something every morning to make sure I overcome this. This post is so on the head of what PMDD is like--there's no hope sometimes. There's not light, and having come so many years forcing others--and myself--to go through the mood swings, violence, and generally feeling of confusion--I've lost so many friends, and even at one point, my family, to it. It terrifies me to go out and meet new people, because unless they're willing to sit down and learn that I have no faith in myself, it's useless. We will end up not being friends--breaking up or however you'd like to put it.

But that ends here.

I say this with as much confidence as I can--it's a scary thing. I know some days I'll lose control. Some days I'll want to burn down bridges and cry until the world fades out. But when it isn't that day, and when I can have total faith in myself, I will have faith in myself. I will believe in myself. If it kills me. (this page has provided me some laughter [it's on Facebook])

(down below is a revised version of this one over on Stranger--and Stranger's is way more applicable than mine!)

The PMDD Pledge

1. You are the leader of your life! Your illness is not.

2. It doesn't matter what other people do OR think. Smile, laugh, be nice to them, and surround yourself with people who love you despite being insane.

3. You are going to become someone who doesn't always suffer from insanity!

~Life is in session~

Cheers!
Jenn

Closure to One Story

Hi everyone!

Before I get into my actual post: 1. Neglect. I'm so incredibly sorry, for somewhat poor content and for not keeping up. What am I turning into?! 2. Guys I got a homecoming date!!! Until a few days after the dance, I'll be post-pone-ing the launch of my vlog. Good news? I've already got some edited and ready. I'll just be waiting until the end of September. Please keep in mind that most of them will be rambling. Sorta. Hope you all enjoy them, though. We'll see~

Okay, so, onto the next thing.

Recently, I made this post about a girl in my blacksmithing class who didn't get along with me before. Our "breakup" was one of the most awkward and awful there had ever been. PMDD played a huge hand in it--and that was the start of me wondering what was wrong with me. It was hard getting through that, getting through any of it. No matter what I would like to believe, she was one of my best friends then, and it was pretty cruel what we had done to each other.

Anyway, so, we have one trip to blacksmithing where I was avoiding someone in my class. (is that also mean? It's just temporary--maybe I'll explain it some day, but it's not a huge deal and I'm not mad at him) This girl offered to give me a ride then, which I thought was really nice and--considering the circumstances--rather her than the other person. So I hopped in with her and we went on over.

It was awkward for a bit, but the ride isn't too long. It was on the way back that our conversation turned towards forgiveness and what had happened. I won't be posting it, because that's a huge, personal thing, but it wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be. I think we came from it with understanding, and we're on speaking terms again--which is pretty fantastic. I mean, I don't think we should be friends again. Trust was broken, I'm still mentally insane, and I wouldn't fit into her friend groups at all. But at the same time, it's nicer knowing that I don't have to worry about her--or that problem--anymore. I'm okay. It's okay. It will be okay.

And that is one of the most refreshing things I could ever imagine.

So, thank you for all of your prayers. I'm so grateful for this closure, and I'm relieved it did happen. Makes it better and just kinda work out a bit more. If anything, it just seems to push the idea of being nice to everyone--even if it kills. Because things happen, people change, and sometimes it's just easier letting things go.

Thank you all so, so much. I'm officially super-duper excited for homecoming, so prepare for some posts about that (but all you homeschooled chicas--you're missing out on *nothing*, I promise!!!)

Preview of my shovel! And that girl in this post actually
had a huge hand in making this. Props to her! 

Cheers!
Jenn

The Berlin Wall: an Inspiration

Hi everyone!

I've decided to start working on a story again... only it's a lot deeper than I thought it would be like. It's inspired by this song. The song is thought to be about the Wall of Berlin.

I just did some research (links at the bottom, as always!), and here's what I understand. If you have any cool or interesting facts on it, please post them in the comments! I love to hear voices on topics like this. :3

***NOTE: This will be humourous because it IS an extremely dark topic and I don't want this to be too depressing. Please understand that I know it was a really dark and scary time, and you should too. Which is why I'm putting resources at the bottom so you can learn more about the Wall of Berlin and other important events during the time. Thank you!***

First, it actually goes all the way back to World War II (the end of it). At the YALTA meeting (leaders of the US, England, and the USSR [current-day Russia] got together and discussed the fate of Germany), it was decided that Berlin would be split in two. The Allies got the Western half and the USSR got the Eastern half. Germany itself was also split between the Allies and the USSR, but Berlin resided in the USSR's portion. After a while, this got tiring for the USSR, so in 1948, they slipped on their sass-pants and refused to let the Allies bring food to West Berlin. Well, not to be out-done, the Allies snapped their sassy fingers and started dropping cargo onto West Berlin full of food and supplies. This was called the Berlin Airlift, and was dangerous. Planes got shot down. People died.

Then the Cold War started, and it got extremely rough in 1961. Many people fled East Berlin and ran to the West, fleeing from the tensions and to a--hopefully--better future. On August 12 of 1961, nearly 2,400 people fled East Berlin (that's on one day!!!). That night, the leaders decided to stop the immigration by closing their borders forever. After the wall went up, it was extremely rare for any people to get past the wall. Common people weren't allowed, and people in positions of authority were heavily screened.

The Wall was makeshift for a while, with escapees still getting through. When building a better wall, they made it four-feet wide, twelve feet high, and put a pipe on the top of it to stop anyone from getting over it. Not to mention the tortures before the wall--vicious dogs, trip-wired machine guns, flood-lights, soft sand, and patrol guards that shot escapees on-sight. Sounds like a walk in the park, eh? People did escape, though, in clever ways. (I highly suggest you read the resources, they are AMAZINGLY creative ways!)

On November 9 of 1989, a spokesperson from East Berlin announced that all people would be allowed to cross into West Berlin freely. People went to the wall and chipped pieces off, and celebrated the fact that they would be reunited with their other half--something so incredibly beautiful, I can't even imagine what it would've been like. :3

Of course, this is really just the tip of the iceberg. There was a lot that went into the Berlin Wall at the end--but how long it lasted and what era it went into is frightening. It just shows how wrong the world is, how it really isn't a beautiful place. One of the leaders who organized the wall's building (it was rebuilt three times) confessed that it was wrong and a horrific idea to keep people from leaving a country--something that many thought would be understood after Hitler's example. But, it wasn't like that.

Anyway, this story is one I'm fairly excited about. It will have the same concept--only, instead, a country divided in half. The Main Character (MC) will be a cousin of the Queen. I'll show ya'll how that'll map out.

I'll be posting a new chapter the last day of every month. :3 Hope some of you... one of you... will read it. Stay tuned!

Cheers!
Jenn

Photo credit: prlog.org

The Berlin Wall (history.com)
Romanov's Murder and the Berlin Wall
Walled In! Germany's Inner Boarder (youtube)
The History of the Berlin Wall (youtube)
Berlin Wall Deaths (youtube)

The Art of Thinking

Life is confusing sometimes. And sometimes I forget why I dance. But then, I remember.

My head kind of moves too fast for me, ya know? Like, everything just keeps going and I have no idea what's going on. I'm kind of the spacey type of person that gets easily swept away in the moment. I guess that's why it's nearly one in the morning on a school night and I'm sitting up typing and not sleeping. My brain just won't stop.

I was once told that girls don't have the ability to never stop thinking. I don't really want to look it up--I like knowing that I'm "normal" when my mind won't stop. It's not really racing, but the rest of me just can't seem to keep up with it. *deep breath* Sometimes it feels like I'm suffocating, but this isn't one of those times. This time is just not knowing what I should be thinking about. What I should be doing with my life. What I should be doing right now.

I firmly believe in prayer. I believe in trusting in God. But I also believe that God has given me the ability to dance for a reason. It clears my head and makes me focus. Because no matter what you're doing in life, you can't think and dance at the same time. Dancing is active thinking.

Let me try to explain (please note: these are just terms I'm using to describe my brain. Scientifically, they're not these definitions. But the English language is one to be creative with, so bear with me).

As you go about your day, it may be the same day as every other one. Every day you live might be monotonous, it might have a set template. Go here. Go there. Pick up this. Pick up that. Shower. Eat. Bed. And as you do those activities, you can probably be thinking about other things too. Troubles. Worries. Fears.

But when you do something that you have to think about and give everything to--cake decorating, wood carving, drafting, sketching, chemistry, algebra, physics, dancing--you participate in active thinking.  You're constantly thinking about the next move, next idea, next step. You don't have time to give to another thought. Perfection is required, and you know it.

And that's why I love dancing. Even when I'm having a rough day, I can stop thinking through dancing. Even if it's not forever, it's enough.

Goodnight

Who Run Da World?....Mean Girls?

Hi everyone!

Ignoring the header. Oh, that header...

Heyyy! So, if you're new, go ahead and right click that "Keep Calm and Blacksmith" picture, and open that to a new tab. There, you'll see that I am REALLY into going on to become a blacksmith professionally. Ferrier and everything (maybe). So, this class is the most important to me because without it I won't have that edge for college (and I NEED an edge!). This class is actually the only reason I'm going back to school this year! But this class also gave me my first anxiety attack of the entire school year.

Why? 

Well, for the past few years in high school I've been harassed by some girls in my grade. It's not been nice, and it's been especially hard fitting in and getting a friend group together. While "picking sides" isn't THAT important to me, if you don't support me then I will find the relationship worthless. Nothing personal, but in the end you'll still be picking someone else over me so why bother getting attached? ESPECIALLY when you're choosing someone who will bully others. But, erm, the main "leader" of the girls that harassed me is in my blacksmithing class. 

And it's been interesting. 

See, she doesn't know anyone else in the class but me. And there's me, who she's made fun of and encouraged people to make fun of me/slam me into lockers and walls/stuff. And then she just starts talking to me on the first day and trying to be funny and WON'T STOP TALKING TO ME. And I was being nice! I mean, friendly is good, right? Friendly is AWESOME. But this... This was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do in a long time, especially when I want to yell and scream and tell her to go stick her head in the forge and leave me alone. 

I don't mean that. There's worse. (I don't mean that either! I swear, I'm passive. Mostly.) 

My point being, though, is that it's extremely difficult because the time will come this year when she's a jerk and I lose my cool completely. Very few people witness it, but it's not pretty. It's calm, it's controlled, but I've been told that it's assertive and threatening and nice all at once and that's a pretty terrifying combo. Only, I don't think I will control it. I'll just RAGE. 

I dunno... *dies* But, erm, she's in this class and she's clingy and annoying and has the most offensive sense of humor ever. Maybe it's because I went to that leadership seminar over the summer, but I just don't like it none. Not like this. 

But, it's not so hard being nice. I do this whole thing where my throat closes up and my brain fogs over and my chest gets tight and word vomit comes out, but none of it is too bad. But today I had my first honest-to-gods anxiety attack (of the school year). These are nothing new, I used to get them a lot last year when the harassment was particularly bad. But I wasn't excited because this is my passion AND it's only day five of school. And the trigger was just thinking I was going to be around her. 

It's scary. Being nice is scary. That is probably one of the most messed up things I've ever typed before. 

Now, for those of you raging "GET REVENGE! STAB HER WITH STEEL!" 1. That's illegal! You horrible person! The beginner's will burn themselves enough. It'll be hilarious probably, but that's for my feels and not ya'll. 2. Out of this whole experience, 99% of the people that hear about it that aren't Christian question my self-control. After high school, if anyone EVER questions my self control I will probably rage. This hasn't been easy, but my cool, calm demeanor has been my salvation. And God, of course. Without faith, I probably would have raged by now. 

But, I did talk to my blacksmithing teacher. Which went stranger than I thought it would. I told him who the girl is, and he just sighed and leaned back, stating: "That happened last year with a different girl, too." 

My face went: o.o 

I wasn't expecting that. But it makes sense. Just... in a bad, horrible way. It makes me assured that it really isn't just me, but it also makes me so angry because now I really don't know how to hold my cool so well. I'm really, really edging to my last nerve. So close. 

Your prayers would be appreciated. I will be updating, though, and hopefully talk about some strategies on how to deal with mean girls and bullies, and how to keep your cool. (hint: it does including walking out of class) 

OH! Main point was actually this: THAT CHICK GAVE ME A UNICORNIN' COLDSORE. I haven't had a cold sore in NINE YEARS. (mine are stress-induced) !(#*$@)_($(%U#% SMACK DOWN I SWEAR. *snaps* 

Ahhhh... High school. The glory days. *snorts* 

Cheers! 

Jenn