Ignoring the header. Oh, that header...
Heyyy! So, if you're new, go ahead and right click that "Keep Calm and Blacksmith" picture, and open that to a new tab. There, you'll see that I am REALLY into going on to become a blacksmith professionally. Ferrier and everything (maybe). So, this class is the most important to me because without it I won't have that edge for college (and I NEED an edge!). This class is actually the only reason I'm going back to school this year! But this class also gave me my first anxiety attack of the entire school year.
Why?
Well, for the past few years in high school I've been harassed by some girls in my grade. It's not been nice, and it's been especially hard fitting in and getting a friend group together. While "picking sides" isn't THAT important to me, if you don't support me then I will find the relationship worthless. Nothing personal, but in the end you'll still be picking someone else over me so why bother getting attached? ESPECIALLY when you're choosing someone who will bully others. But, erm, the main "leader" of the girls that harassed me is in my blacksmithing class.
And it's been interesting.
See, she doesn't know anyone else in the class but me. And there's me, who she's made fun of and encouraged people to make fun of me/slam me into lockers and walls/stuff. And then she just starts talking to me on the first day and trying to be funny and WON'T STOP TALKING TO ME. And I was being nice! I mean, friendly is good, right? Friendly is AWESOME. But this... This was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do in a long time, especially when I want to yell and scream and tell her to go stick her head in the forge and leave me alone.
I don't mean that. There's worse. (I don't mean that either! I swear, I'm passive. Mostly.)
My point being, though, is that it's extremely difficult because the time will come this year when she's a jerk and I lose my cool completely. Very few people witness it, but it's not pretty. It's calm, it's controlled, but I've been told that it's assertive and threatening and nice all at once and that's a pretty terrifying combo. Only, I don't think I will control it. I'll just RAGE.
I dunno... *dies* But, erm, she's in this class and she's clingy and annoying and has the most offensive sense of humor ever. Maybe it's because I went to that leadership seminar over the summer, but I just don't like it none. Not like this.
But, it's not so hard being nice. I do this whole thing where my throat closes up and my brain fogs over and my chest gets tight and word vomit comes out, but none of it is too bad. But today I had my first honest-to-gods anxiety attack (of the school year). These are nothing new, I used to get them a lot last year when the harassment was particularly bad. But I wasn't excited because this is my passion AND it's only day five of school. And the trigger was just thinking I was going to be around her.
It's scary. Being nice is scary. That is probably one of the most messed up things I've ever typed before.
Now, for those of you raging "GET REVENGE! STAB HER WITH STEEL!" 1. That's illegal! You horrible person! The beginner's will burn themselves enough. It'll be hilarious probably, but that's for my feels and not ya'll. 2. Out of this whole experience, 99% of the people that hear about it that aren't Christian question my self-control. After high school, if anyone EVER questions my self control I will probably rage. This hasn't been easy, but my cool, calm demeanor has been my salvation. And God, of course. Without faith, I probably would have raged by now.
But, I did talk to my blacksmithing teacher. Which went stranger than I thought it would. I told him who the girl is, and he just sighed and leaned back, stating: "That happened last year with a different girl, too."
My face went: o.o
I wasn't expecting that. But it makes sense. Just... in a bad, horrible way. It makes me assured that it really isn't just me, but it also makes me so angry because now I really don't know how to hold my cool so well. I'm really, really edging to my last nerve. So close.
Your prayers would be appreciated. I will be updating, though, and hopefully talk about some strategies on how to deal with mean girls and bullies, and how to keep your cool. (hint: it does including walking out of class)
OH! Main point was actually this: THAT CHICK GAVE ME A UNICORNIN' COLDSORE. I haven't had a cold sore in NINE YEARS. (mine are stress-induced) !(#*$@)_($(%U#% SMACK DOWN I SWEAR. *snaps*
Ahhhh... High school. The glory days. *snorts*
Cheers!
Jenn
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