The Art of Thinking

Life is confusing sometimes. And sometimes I forget why I dance. But then, I remember.

My head kind of moves too fast for me, ya know? Like, everything just keeps going and I have no idea what's going on. I'm kind of the spacey type of person that gets easily swept away in the moment. I guess that's why it's nearly one in the morning on a school night and I'm sitting up typing and not sleeping. My brain just won't stop.

I was once told that girls don't have the ability to never stop thinking. I don't really want to look it up--I like knowing that I'm "normal" when my mind won't stop. It's not really racing, but the rest of me just can't seem to keep up with it. *deep breath* Sometimes it feels like I'm suffocating, but this isn't one of those times. This time is just not knowing what I should be thinking about. What I should be doing with my life. What I should be doing right now.

I firmly believe in prayer. I believe in trusting in God. But I also believe that God has given me the ability to dance for a reason. It clears my head and makes me focus. Because no matter what you're doing in life, you can't think and dance at the same time. Dancing is active thinking.

Let me try to explain (please note: these are just terms I'm using to describe my brain. Scientifically, they're not these definitions. But the English language is one to be creative with, so bear with me).

As you go about your day, it may be the same day as every other one. Every day you live might be monotonous, it might have a set template. Go here. Go there. Pick up this. Pick up that. Shower. Eat. Bed. And as you do those activities, you can probably be thinking about other things too. Troubles. Worries. Fears.

But when you do something that you have to think about and give everything to--cake decorating, wood carving, drafting, sketching, chemistry, algebra, physics, dancing--you participate in active thinking.  You're constantly thinking about the next move, next idea, next step. You don't have time to give to another thought. Perfection is required, and you know it.

And that's why I love dancing. Even when I'm having a rough day, I can stop thinking through dancing. Even if it's not forever, it's enough.

Goodnight

Who Run Da World?....Mean Girls?

Hi everyone!

Ignoring the header. Oh, that header...

Heyyy! So, if you're new, go ahead and right click that "Keep Calm and Blacksmith" picture, and open that to a new tab. There, you'll see that I am REALLY into going on to become a blacksmith professionally. Ferrier and everything (maybe). So, this class is the most important to me because without it I won't have that edge for college (and I NEED an edge!). This class is actually the only reason I'm going back to school this year! But this class also gave me my first anxiety attack of the entire school year.

Why? 

Well, for the past few years in high school I've been harassed by some girls in my grade. It's not been nice, and it's been especially hard fitting in and getting a friend group together. While "picking sides" isn't THAT important to me, if you don't support me then I will find the relationship worthless. Nothing personal, but in the end you'll still be picking someone else over me so why bother getting attached? ESPECIALLY when you're choosing someone who will bully others. But, erm, the main "leader" of the girls that harassed me is in my blacksmithing class. 

And it's been interesting. 

See, she doesn't know anyone else in the class but me. And there's me, who she's made fun of and encouraged people to make fun of me/slam me into lockers and walls/stuff. And then she just starts talking to me on the first day and trying to be funny and WON'T STOP TALKING TO ME. And I was being nice! I mean, friendly is good, right? Friendly is AWESOME. But this... This was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do in a long time, especially when I want to yell and scream and tell her to go stick her head in the forge and leave me alone. 

I don't mean that. There's worse. (I don't mean that either! I swear, I'm passive. Mostly.) 

My point being, though, is that it's extremely difficult because the time will come this year when she's a jerk and I lose my cool completely. Very few people witness it, but it's not pretty. It's calm, it's controlled, but I've been told that it's assertive and threatening and nice all at once and that's a pretty terrifying combo. Only, I don't think I will control it. I'll just RAGE. 

I dunno... *dies* But, erm, she's in this class and she's clingy and annoying and has the most offensive sense of humor ever. Maybe it's because I went to that leadership seminar over the summer, but I just don't like it none. Not like this. 

But, it's not so hard being nice. I do this whole thing where my throat closes up and my brain fogs over and my chest gets tight and word vomit comes out, but none of it is too bad. But today I had my first honest-to-gods anxiety attack (of the school year). These are nothing new, I used to get them a lot last year when the harassment was particularly bad. But I wasn't excited because this is my passion AND it's only day five of school. And the trigger was just thinking I was going to be around her. 

It's scary. Being nice is scary. That is probably one of the most messed up things I've ever typed before. 

Now, for those of you raging "GET REVENGE! STAB HER WITH STEEL!" 1. That's illegal! You horrible person! The beginner's will burn themselves enough. It'll be hilarious probably, but that's for my feels and not ya'll. 2. Out of this whole experience, 99% of the people that hear about it that aren't Christian question my self-control. After high school, if anyone EVER questions my self control I will probably rage. This hasn't been easy, but my cool, calm demeanor has been my salvation. And God, of course. Without faith, I probably would have raged by now. 

But, I did talk to my blacksmithing teacher. Which went stranger than I thought it would. I told him who the girl is, and he just sighed and leaned back, stating: "That happened last year with a different girl, too." 

My face went: o.o 

I wasn't expecting that. But it makes sense. Just... in a bad, horrible way. It makes me assured that it really isn't just me, but it also makes me so angry because now I really don't know how to hold my cool so well. I'm really, really edging to my last nerve. So close. 

Your prayers would be appreciated. I will be updating, though, and hopefully talk about some strategies on how to deal with mean girls and bullies, and how to keep your cool. (hint: it does including walking out of class) 

OH! Main point was actually this: THAT CHICK GAVE ME A UNICORNIN' COLDSORE. I haven't had a cold sore in NINE YEARS. (mine are stress-induced) !(#*$@)_($(%U#% SMACK DOWN I SWEAR. *snaps* 

Ahhhh... High school. The glory days. *snorts* 

Cheers! 

Jenn

3000 PLUS!

Hi everyone!

Ah! I'm so, so, so excited! I have gotten over 3,000 page views, AND most of them are from Google! (whoa, right?!) I'm so hyped! Thank you all so, so, so much! ^.^ I feel like this is another milestone. I don't know when I'll stop bragging about my page views, but for right now I will be continue. Because I BRAG. (also, I've only been blogging since February, 2013, so that isn't too long... but still pretty long! (3000/7=428.5 page views per day))

So, I just thought I'd post that, but because I should post more, I will.

My school recently combined our lunches (because we're so small), so instead of having three lunch periods, we only have two now. Our school also is special because we have the proper facilities to help handicapped students. I don't like big lunches, and our lunchroom is now PACKED full of kids, but I've been dealing. Today, though, my table was approached by a teacher's aid who works with one of the paralyzed kids in our school. She asked us if some kids from my table would want to go sit with him in a classroom because the lunch room was so crowded.

Of course, I told her no and was like WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?!

...

C'mon, peeps, really? REALLY? Of course I didn't do that!

I was really excited to get out of there, and I knew this kid already (I sat with him Freshman year). He didn't really talk too much, and I didn't think we had a lot in common. I was really glad when one of my brother's friends came along with me and was able to talk to the kid. They had gaming and age in common, something I didn't exactly have. :3

Still, it was probably one of the best lunches yet, and I plan on hanging out with them as long as they want me there. It was fun to just sit back and talk with some of my brother's friends, eat popcorn, and listen to some sass.

Maybe I'll be able to post names or something. My Privacy Policy has actually been lifted (thanks to the bullying in school coming to an end within the next ten months), so I'm very happy to say that my Youtube channel will be premiering Wednesday, August 28, 2013! My age, location, and year in school will still be kept secret, but I absolutely cannot wait to talk to everyone!

I'll be filming tomorrow, so if anyone has any suggestions, please comment below! Otherwise, I'd love some moral support on Youtube. But absolutely no pressure! ;)

Cheers!
Jenn

Day Three of School *UNCENSORED POST*

*WARNING: If you're squeamish about periods then you should not read this post. One of the cornerstones of In.w/o is PMDD, and this post has a lot to do with: dealing with and treating PMDD. This is purely educational on a subjective level. Please keep this in mind or do not continue reading. Thank you.*

Hi everyone!

Augh! First week of school is DONE. It's OVER. I can't believe it. (actually, I can. And that leaves a BILLION more days of school left! ooohhhh the perillll!)

So, I have written about PMDD before. Only I don't think I've stated that I was diagnosed? Back in June, my mother and I had a huge blow-up. And when I say huge, it wasn't like: "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "AGH I'M GOING TO MY ROOM!" It was more of a: "I !(@$U(@$@#$$%$# AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" (no, there was no swearing. Just me leaving. Again. *sigh*)

Anyway, it was really, really tiring. And I was tired of it, and the hormones, and the general problems (depression, weird suicidal thoughts, the gist). Because, ya know, my life was difficult, but it wasn't non-doable. Like, PMDD messes everything up. I promise. Your ideas, your thinking, your brain--everything! AND JUST BECAUSE HORMONES. Like, there is nothing else that is wrong with you except the hormones! It's just so weiiirrrdddd!!!

So, I was done and in June I called my doctor's office and made mum take me in. I was diagnosed then, and am on a medication (that I can't talk about, so we won't go there). It's been working pretty well! I've been less spazzy, but all July I was completely sick because of it. Getting out of bed, staying awake--anything was extremely hard. I'm really grateful it was during the summer, though, so I wouldn't be like that during the school year.

But, my first week of school was weird. Due to the medication, I don't blow up on people or have suicidal thoughts. And honestly, getting used to non-PMDD anger is really hard, too. Because I'm like: am I going too far? Not far enough? Is this rational anger? Should I just go flip a table?

I'm 99% certain I have ADD or something. STAY ON TRACK ME!

Anyway, those few things I listed above were key pre-cursors to my period. And the meds have been keeping those things at bay, so my period is a bit of a surprise now. And I've been pretty relaxed, being as recently I haven't had any irrational/rational anger bouts. It's been so weird!

Today, right before math, I went to the bathroom. Just a casual "I gotstapeeeee" trip, nothing out of the blue. AND YES THIS IS IMPORTANT TO THE STORY. I then went to math and enjoyed relearning things that have been pounded into my brain since kindergarten. I was like: "I GET IT 1+1 IS--"

OHHHHHHHHHMMMYYYYGODS

I doubled over in a second, feeling sudden pain coming from the pit of my stomach. For those girls that are "normal" or whatever (or those boys that are reading this), it kinda feels like when you have bad gas, only ten times worse. Period cramps are a pain of their own, and a step up from that is basically labor. It's training! I'M PREPARED!

It was really, really painful though. And I sat through the rest of math class, dying. But it was even stranger because I've never just KNOWN when my period hits. Like, I've known "about when", but never have been like: "ANND it's here. Yay!" Mostly because who's happy on their period but also because I've just been crampy a few days before my period too.

Now I'm happy and I know things. Gods. I'm growing up!

Anyway, I went up to my teacher and just was like: "Can you write me a pass now because I just got gut-punched by mother nature if ya know what I mean." I'm pretty sure she was thinking: "YOU JUST WENT" but then, she is a female so she might've been more like: "I'm so sorry. That sucks. Welcome back to school!"

We'll never know.

Anyway, I just thought that was an interesting story from school. School's a pain but it was a new experience having to do with PMDD, which is one of the things I blog about. Because PMDD SUCKS.

Cheers!
Jenn

Teen Room Redo: Mi Ancla Canvas Art

Hi everyone!

Besides painting my walls, I made some of my old wall-art into new wall art, all themed around the sea/Percy Jackson/Annabeth Chase. Because that's what fangirls do! Anywhoo, I decided to take two of my older pieces of "art" to redo. I also used some of my yellow wall paint, and some Navy Blue Acrylic paint. I know this is pretty basic, but for my means this would work. My walls are going to be (when completely done): Yellow, light blue, and a deep, almost purple, blue. Before ya'll start freaking out, there are six walls in my room so it actually works out pretty well. Somewhat. (my side is yellow, my sister's is the purpleish wall)

Anyway, I wanted a simplistic design that also had all the colors in my room in it to tie everything together. Because we can't afford paint for all the walls (I used samples to paint my walls so far, so only three are done), I had to use my imagination to help picture all the colors together. My sister was going to work in a more colorful scheme, filled with a kindergarten-esque feel to it. No offense to her. But that's basically what it is.

So, I imagined these being simple, clean, and sea-filled. Well, maybe not filled, but still. YOU GET THE POINT I HOPE.

For my canvases, I wanted quotes. I had two paint-able canvases, so I thought through all of my favourite sea-feeling songs. I knew a few Irish ones, but I decided not to use those--they were all about sea-fairing men who lost their loved ones. So instead, I went with a Christian song--Mi Ancla, by Mindy Gledhill. There's an English version, but personally, I think the Spanish version is amazing. You can listen to it here.

I wanted to use my 9x12in canvas for the lyrics, so I painted it the same yellow that's on my wall.

See? This had been painted with crayon, then sharpie, then
acrylic. It was time for a redo, though, because
it no longer worked with my room. ): 

Ahh! Wall paint on canvas! :O

All finished! (:

For the design, I looked up the lyrics and a few pictures of an anchor. (on Google Images, of course!) Then, I did a rough sketch in pencil. 

Then, I started painting with the blue acrylic paint. It took a few coats to really make it look awesome, but I think it came out awesome. (: 

Vwa-la! She is finite!

I'm no art teacher, but I hope you're inspired. The lyrics mean "My anchor, you will be"--which I think is a cute, great reminder for a HEY LOOK WATER room. ;)

If you're not artistic, you can print out an image, cut it out, and trace it. For the lettering, you can use some cute stickers, place them on the canvas, paint over them, and pull the stickers off when the paint has dried. Spread the paint *just* around so the letters have an aura, and feel free to try and splatter around the letter's aura, just so it blends in. It'll look fantastic, whatever you do. It's not always about the art... but how it came about. :) Believe me, the way it had looked before hand wasn't a first-try... But then... I guess you could've known that. Hahaha.

Cheers!
Jenn