The Art of Thinking

Life is confusing sometimes. And sometimes I forget why I dance. But then, I remember.

My head kind of moves too fast for me, ya know? Like, everything just keeps going and I have no idea what's going on. I'm kind of the spacey type of person that gets easily swept away in the moment. I guess that's why it's nearly one in the morning on a school night and I'm sitting up typing and not sleeping. My brain just won't stop.

I was once told that girls don't have the ability to never stop thinking. I don't really want to look it up--I like knowing that I'm "normal" when my mind won't stop. It's not really racing, but the rest of me just can't seem to keep up with it. *deep breath* Sometimes it feels like I'm suffocating, but this isn't one of those times. This time is just not knowing what I should be thinking about. What I should be doing with my life. What I should be doing right now.

I firmly believe in prayer. I believe in trusting in God. But I also believe that God has given me the ability to dance for a reason. It clears my head and makes me focus. Because no matter what you're doing in life, you can't think and dance at the same time. Dancing is active thinking.

Let me try to explain (please note: these are just terms I'm using to describe my brain. Scientifically, they're not these definitions. But the English language is one to be creative with, so bear with me).

As you go about your day, it may be the same day as every other one. Every day you live might be monotonous, it might have a set template. Go here. Go there. Pick up this. Pick up that. Shower. Eat. Bed. And as you do those activities, you can probably be thinking about other things too. Troubles. Worries. Fears.

But when you do something that you have to think about and give everything to--cake decorating, wood carving, drafting, sketching, chemistry, algebra, physics, dancing--you participate in active thinking.  You're constantly thinking about the next move, next idea, next step. You don't have time to give to another thought. Perfection is required, and you know it.

And that's why I love dancing. Even when I'm having a rough day, I can stop thinking through dancing. Even if it's not forever, it's enough.

Goodnight

Who Run Da World?....Mean Girls?

Hi everyone!

Ignoring the header. Oh, that header...

Heyyy! So, if you're new, go ahead and right click that "Keep Calm and Blacksmith" picture, and open that to a new tab. There, you'll see that I am REALLY into going on to become a blacksmith professionally. Ferrier and everything (maybe). So, this class is the most important to me because without it I won't have that edge for college (and I NEED an edge!). This class is actually the only reason I'm going back to school this year! But this class also gave me my first anxiety attack of the entire school year.

Why? 

Well, for the past few years in high school I've been harassed by some girls in my grade. It's not been nice, and it's been especially hard fitting in and getting a friend group together. While "picking sides" isn't THAT important to me, if you don't support me then I will find the relationship worthless. Nothing personal, but in the end you'll still be picking someone else over me so why bother getting attached? ESPECIALLY when you're choosing someone who will bully others. But, erm, the main "leader" of the girls that harassed me is in my blacksmithing class. 

And it's been interesting. 

See, she doesn't know anyone else in the class but me. And there's me, who she's made fun of and encouraged people to make fun of me/slam me into lockers and walls/stuff. And then she just starts talking to me on the first day and trying to be funny and WON'T STOP TALKING TO ME. And I was being nice! I mean, friendly is good, right? Friendly is AWESOME. But this... This was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do in a long time, especially when I want to yell and scream and tell her to go stick her head in the forge and leave me alone. 

I don't mean that. There's worse. (I don't mean that either! I swear, I'm passive. Mostly.) 

My point being, though, is that it's extremely difficult because the time will come this year when she's a jerk and I lose my cool completely. Very few people witness it, but it's not pretty. It's calm, it's controlled, but I've been told that it's assertive and threatening and nice all at once and that's a pretty terrifying combo. Only, I don't think I will control it. I'll just RAGE. 

I dunno... *dies* But, erm, she's in this class and she's clingy and annoying and has the most offensive sense of humor ever. Maybe it's because I went to that leadership seminar over the summer, but I just don't like it none. Not like this. 

But, it's not so hard being nice. I do this whole thing where my throat closes up and my brain fogs over and my chest gets tight and word vomit comes out, but none of it is too bad. But today I had my first honest-to-gods anxiety attack (of the school year). These are nothing new, I used to get them a lot last year when the harassment was particularly bad. But I wasn't excited because this is my passion AND it's only day five of school. And the trigger was just thinking I was going to be around her. 

It's scary. Being nice is scary. That is probably one of the most messed up things I've ever typed before. 

Now, for those of you raging "GET REVENGE! STAB HER WITH STEEL!" 1. That's illegal! You horrible person! The beginner's will burn themselves enough. It'll be hilarious probably, but that's for my feels and not ya'll. 2. Out of this whole experience, 99% of the people that hear about it that aren't Christian question my self-control. After high school, if anyone EVER questions my self control I will probably rage. This hasn't been easy, but my cool, calm demeanor has been my salvation. And God, of course. Without faith, I probably would have raged by now. 

But, I did talk to my blacksmithing teacher. Which went stranger than I thought it would. I told him who the girl is, and he just sighed and leaned back, stating: "That happened last year with a different girl, too." 

My face went: o.o 

I wasn't expecting that. But it makes sense. Just... in a bad, horrible way. It makes me assured that it really isn't just me, but it also makes me so angry because now I really don't know how to hold my cool so well. I'm really, really edging to my last nerve. So close. 

Your prayers would be appreciated. I will be updating, though, and hopefully talk about some strategies on how to deal with mean girls and bullies, and how to keep your cool. (hint: it does including walking out of class) 

OH! Main point was actually this: THAT CHICK GAVE ME A UNICORNIN' COLDSORE. I haven't had a cold sore in NINE YEARS. (mine are stress-induced) !(#*$@)_($(%U#% SMACK DOWN I SWEAR. *snaps* 

Ahhhh... High school. The glory days. *snorts* 

Cheers! 

Jenn

3000 PLUS!

Hi everyone!

Ah! I'm so, so, so excited! I have gotten over 3,000 page views, AND most of them are from Google! (whoa, right?!) I'm so hyped! Thank you all so, so, so much! ^.^ I feel like this is another milestone. I don't know when I'll stop bragging about my page views, but for right now I will be continue. Because I BRAG. (also, I've only been blogging since February, 2013, so that isn't too long... but still pretty long! (3000/7=428.5 page views per day))

So, I just thought I'd post that, but because I should post more, I will.

My school recently combined our lunches (because we're so small), so instead of having three lunch periods, we only have two now. Our school also is special because we have the proper facilities to help handicapped students. I don't like big lunches, and our lunchroom is now PACKED full of kids, but I've been dealing. Today, though, my table was approached by a teacher's aid who works with one of the paralyzed kids in our school. She asked us if some kids from my table would want to go sit with him in a classroom because the lunch room was so crowded.

Of course, I told her no and was like WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?!

...

C'mon, peeps, really? REALLY? Of course I didn't do that!

I was really excited to get out of there, and I knew this kid already (I sat with him Freshman year). He didn't really talk too much, and I didn't think we had a lot in common. I was really glad when one of my brother's friends came along with me and was able to talk to the kid. They had gaming and age in common, something I didn't exactly have. :3

Still, it was probably one of the best lunches yet, and I plan on hanging out with them as long as they want me there. It was fun to just sit back and talk with some of my brother's friends, eat popcorn, and listen to some sass.

Maybe I'll be able to post names or something. My Privacy Policy has actually been lifted (thanks to the bullying in school coming to an end within the next ten months), so I'm very happy to say that my Youtube channel will be premiering Wednesday, August 28, 2013! My age, location, and year in school will still be kept secret, but I absolutely cannot wait to talk to everyone!

I'll be filming tomorrow, so if anyone has any suggestions, please comment below! Otherwise, I'd love some moral support on Youtube. But absolutely no pressure! ;)

Cheers!
Jenn

Day Three of School *UNCENSORED POST*

*WARNING: If you're squeamish about periods then you should not read this post. One of the cornerstones of In.w/o is PMDD, and this post has a lot to do with: dealing with and treating PMDD. This is purely educational on a subjective level. Please keep this in mind or do not continue reading. Thank you.*

Hi everyone!

Augh! First week of school is DONE. It's OVER. I can't believe it. (actually, I can. And that leaves a BILLION more days of school left! ooohhhh the perillll!)

So, I have written about PMDD before. Only I don't think I've stated that I was diagnosed? Back in June, my mother and I had a huge blow-up. And when I say huge, it wasn't like: "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "AGH I'M GOING TO MY ROOM!" It was more of a: "I !(@$U(@$@#$$%$# AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" (no, there was no swearing. Just me leaving. Again. *sigh*)

Anyway, it was really, really tiring. And I was tired of it, and the hormones, and the general problems (depression, weird suicidal thoughts, the gist). Because, ya know, my life was difficult, but it wasn't non-doable. Like, PMDD messes everything up. I promise. Your ideas, your thinking, your brain--everything! AND JUST BECAUSE HORMONES. Like, there is nothing else that is wrong with you except the hormones! It's just so weiiirrrdddd!!!

So, I was done and in June I called my doctor's office and made mum take me in. I was diagnosed then, and am on a medication (that I can't talk about, so we won't go there). It's been working pretty well! I've been less spazzy, but all July I was completely sick because of it. Getting out of bed, staying awake--anything was extremely hard. I'm really grateful it was during the summer, though, so I wouldn't be like that during the school year.

But, my first week of school was weird. Due to the medication, I don't blow up on people or have suicidal thoughts. And honestly, getting used to non-PMDD anger is really hard, too. Because I'm like: am I going too far? Not far enough? Is this rational anger? Should I just go flip a table?

I'm 99% certain I have ADD or something. STAY ON TRACK ME!

Anyway, those few things I listed above were key pre-cursors to my period. And the meds have been keeping those things at bay, so my period is a bit of a surprise now. And I've been pretty relaxed, being as recently I haven't had any irrational/rational anger bouts. It's been so weird!

Today, right before math, I went to the bathroom. Just a casual "I gotstapeeeee" trip, nothing out of the blue. AND YES THIS IS IMPORTANT TO THE STORY. I then went to math and enjoyed relearning things that have been pounded into my brain since kindergarten. I was like: "I GET IT 1+1 IS--"

OHHHHHHHHHMMMYYYYGODS

I doubled over in a second, feeling sudden pain coming from the pit of my stomach. For those girls that are "normal" or whatever (or those boys that are reading this), it kinda feels like when you have bad gas, only ten times worse. Period cramps are a pain of their own, and a step up from that is basically labor. It's training! I'M PREPARED!

It was really, really painful though. And I sat through the rest of math class, dying. But it was even stranger because I've never just KNOWN when my period hits. Like, I've known "about when", but never have been like: "ANND it's here. Yay!" Mostly because who's happy on their period but also because I've just been crampy a few days before my period too.

Now I'm happy and I know things. Gods. I'm growing up!

Anyway, I went up to my teacher and just was like: "Can you write me a pass now because I just got gut-punched by mother nature if ya know what I mean." I'm pretty sure she was thinking: "YOU JUST WENT" but then, she is a female so she might've been more like: "I'm so sorry. That sucks. Welcome back to school!"

We'll never know.

Anyway, I just thought that was an interesting story from school. School's a pain but it was a new experience having to do with PMDD, which is one of the things I blog about. Because PMDD SUCKS.

Cheers!
Jenn

Teen Room Redo: Mi Ancla Canvas Art

Hi everyone!

Besides painting my walls, I made some of my old wall-art into new wall art, all themed around the sea/Percy Jackson/Annabeth Chase. Because that's what fangirls do! Anywhoo, I decided to take two of my older pieces of "art" to redo. I also used some of my yellow wall paint, and some Navy Blue Acrylic paint. I know this is pretty basic, but for my means this would work. My walls are going to be (when completely done): Yellow, light blue, and a deep, almost purple, blue. Before ya'll start freaking out, there are six walls in my room so it actually works out pretty well. Somewhat. (my side is yellow, my sister's is the purpleish wall)

Anyway, I wanted a simplistic design that also had all the colors in my room in it to tie everything together. Because we can't afford paint for all the walls (I used samples to paint my walls so far, so only three are done), I had to use my imagination to help picture all the colors together. My sister was going to work in a more colorful scheme, filled with a kindergarten-esque feel to it. No offense to her. But that's basically what it is.

So, I imagined these being simple, clean, and sea-filled. Well, maybe not filled, but still. YOU GET THE POINT I HOPE.

For my canvases, I wanted quotes. I had two paint-able canvases, so I thought through all of my favourite sea-feeling songs. I knew a few Irish ones, but I decided not to use those--they were all about sea-fairing men who lost their loved ones. So instead, I went with a Christian song--Mi Ancla, by Mindy Gledhill. There's an English version, but personally, I think the Spanish version is amazing. You can listen to it here.

I wanted to use my 9x12in canvas for the lyrics, so I painted it the same yellow that's on my wall.

See? This had been painted with crayon, then sharpie, then
acrylic. It was time for a redo, though, because
it no longer worked with my room. ): 

Ahh! Wall paint on canvas! :O

All finished! (:

For the design, I looked up the lyrics and a few pictures of an anchor. (on Google Images, of course!) Then, I did a rough sketch in pencil. 

Then, I started painting with the blue acrylic paint. It took a few coats to really make it look awesome, but I think it came out awesome. (: 

Vwa-la! She is finite!

I'm no art teacher, but I hope you're inspired. The lyrics mean "My anchor, you will be"--which I think is a cute, great reminder for a HEY LOOK WATER room. ;)

If you're not artistic, you can print out an image, cut it out, and trace it. For the lettering, you can use some cute stickers, place them on the canvas, paint over them, and pull the stickers off when the paint has dried. Spread the paint *just* around so the letters have an aura, and feel free to try and splatter around the letter's aura, just so it blends in. It'll look fantastic, whatever you do. It's not always about the art... but how it came about. :) Believe me, the way it had looked before hand wasn't a first-try... But then... I guess you could've known that. Hahaha.

Cheers!
Jenn

So I Set Fiiiire, to the Ragggssss!

And now to celebrate my first week back in blacksmithing, I bring you... (because God gave me a nice warm-up, really!) 

Hi everyone!

So, I'm currently sitting on a possible case of tendonitis and would appreciate your prayers. I have a feeling my dancing life is being a little cut-short. Ughness. It's not meant to beeeeeee! Anywhoo, we'll see tomorrow. (: Right now it's just swollen and painful. AHHH PAINNNN!

In lighter news, though! I have a super fun story for you!

So, at church today, we had gotten their for Sunday School. My mom had put a coffee cake into the oven to bake (there's a kitchen in our church... it's a weird set up, but everything's connected), and I had gone home to get a jacket for a girl and change into something nicer myself--I had just arrived from an overnight. After running back to church, I sat down and we got service started. About three-fourths the way through, my mom had smelled something, so I went to go make sure it was done.

Now, here's the thing: Where we hold church is extremely dated. Everything's from the 1980's, so it's all retro and doesn't work right. The oven is no excuse, either. It's infamous for burning things beyond repair, and there's been a few fires before. But, we've gotten pretty good at mastering this oven, so we thought it would be pretty okay. (also: please note the above, how my ankle is NOT doing too hot)

Anyway, I'm moving back towards the kitchen, and I start smelling the cake. It smells kinda like blacksmithing, too, so I run and throw open the oven. The top of the cake is black. I look at it, and then grab two rags closest to me--I wasn't going to check it, that thing had to come out! So, I push my hands into the oven with the rags as mitts.

Only, my thumb touched the metal for longer than a few seconds, so I dropped the rags and jumped back. As I was jumping back, I kept my eyes on the rag and watched as they touched the bottom of the oven. I hadn't noticed that it was electric, so there were huge wires at the bottom to heat the entire oven. My eyes grew wide as I watched the middle of one rag settle on the wire, and reached for it when--

VOOSH! 

The corner caught on fire! I grabbed it, pulling it up and shaking it wildly, trying to keep it down. Service was still being held in the other room, and I didn't want to disturb them. But meanwhile, I was dropping the rag onto the carpet, and watching it blaze.

Here's where I mention something very vital: I don't where shoes, anywhere.

So the rag's on the carpeted floor and the fire's still going and I've got no shoes on. I quickly turn over the corner of the rag, and stomp on it twice, then leave it to get my mom. All of my hard work keeping it quiet was lost when I wildly ran out into the main room, motioning for my mother to come with me. Her eyes got wide and she ran behind me, and when I got back to the kitchen, I was relieved to see that the fire was out. I picked it up, and bluntly told her:

"I have made a mistake!"

She looked at it and then ran to the oven, turning it off and grabbing pot holders from a drawer. (and deep inside I'm like: u srs?! [you serious]) She pulls it out, and puts it on the stove top, surveying the blackness of the coffee cake.

Before I go on, can I just say how important this coffee cake is? For months my mom has been bringing coffee cake every morning because most of our congregation is starving by the time Sunday School is over. We have lunch after main service, but this is vital. Mostly to this one man who attends our church, who looks so forward to muffins or cake. It's kinda funny, actually. Which is why my mom loves bringing something--it makes the congregation happier to have food in their bellies. (our church is a Russian-style church where we all bring food and share it afterwards, every Sunday. It makes church a little less like an obligation and more like a family moment) BUT MY POINT IS THAT THIS CAKE IS IMPORTANT.

And it was completely black.

So, mom and I just stand there, both speechless. She grabs a knife, sliding it into the middle and pulling it out, it coming out clean. She then looks at me, and states: "It ate my cake!"

I was like: "Yup, that horrible monster!"

She then grabbed the rag, examining the hole. She started laughing, and looked at the burnt spot on the carpet. I had a small blister forming on my thumb already and it was pretty painful, but we walked back out to service together, sitting and laughing to ourselves. At the end of service, our pastor smiled and said, "Well, I think I smell something delicious, so let's wrap up!"

My mom: "No."

Me: "I might've just set it on fire..."

The ladies in front of us: "Maybe, huh? ;)"

Aren't you proud of me??? :D

Afterwards, I apologized to our pastor's wife, who owned the rags. I then was asked by one of the guy's at my church if I had burned myself on the oven (and he's a very stoic boy, mind you). I knew him, so I picked up the rag and said: "Nahh..."

He then burst out laughing.

Because, ya know, adrenaline-free Sundays are too mainstream. ;D

Cheers!

Jenn

Reasons Why Being a Fangirl is AWESOME!

Hi everyone!

I start school in, like, five days. And that is super scary. If ya'll remember my absence back in April, I'll let you know why now: I had been getting food thrown at me and bullied by one of my "friends". She had used me to get close to a guy and then quickly ditched me, and after she broke up with him, was really, really angry with me--for what, I'm still not sure. But, this lead to her getting involved with the meanest clique in my grade which then lead to me getting harassed in the hallways by a lot of girls. And when I asked my guy friends to step in and start walking with me from class to class or something they promptly started being jerks because they sided with their bro's ex.

Confused? It was kinda messy.

Anyway, so, I kinda ended the school year friendless. And being friendless, it's kinda scary going back into a place where you were harassed by people who used to be your best friends. So, this'll be super-duper exciting and new! *sigh*

Moving onward, this summer has taught me some amazing coping skills. Not having to do with breathing techniques or counting or writing or blogging--though those are all great--but something that was totally out-of-this-world-awesome. Because being a fangirl--demigod, in my case--isn't just about saying, "I'm a demigod!" It's about having a commitment that brings you together with people you've never met. It's knowing that you have support even when school sucks.

Being a fangirl is a full-time commitment. It's geeking out over something. It's being occupied so much that you don't have time to think about what those other kids are saying or doing. <--and that's the main point!

Let me outline what fangirls are busy thinking about:

• Shipping. Oh the shipping. How can we be focused on real-life relationships when PERCABETH IS IN TARTARUS?! 
• OTP's. For those that don't know (like I didn't at one time), this means "One True Pairing". Such as Percabeth. Whose currently in Tartarus. GAHHHHHH. 
• Sketching, drawing, and recreating those amazing scenes from your favourite books! This can take a lot of that extra class time--or life time. 
• tumbrl, Pinterest, and many other social websites that you waste hours on working on shipping those couples. Ship-ship-ship! (being a fangirl really is a commitment!) 
• Even when you feel down, there's something funny about your latest Ship that someone will have posted somewhere. And then, you can't be down... Because you're Shipping with some amazing gals. <3 

Just five very vital points of being a fangirl. There's so, so much more... but I know that if I keep my chin up I'll do amazing this school year. Because let's SHIP THESE PEOPLES! 

I love blogging. I love you all. But, I feel like shipping and OTP's and being a fangirl will totally be helping me cope. Because even if I'm being harassed... I'm not in Tartarus, and I'm just waiting to be claimed! YEAHHHH!!! 

Cheers! 

Jenn

What are your favourite coping skills? Who are you currently shipping? 

Jenn... Again?!

GUYS! I got some down-time so I was able to push the date forward! Check it ouuuuttt! ;D

Hi everyone!

Ah! I'm so excited about these changes! I mean, redoing my room got me so hyped on this whole "change" thing that I couldn't wait anymore to change my blog! Of course, the big reveal will still be on the 21.... I'm writing this the 12, but I'm certain I'll still be working on this post up till the 21. Anyway, it's so very exciting! Let me explain what I did and why...

First! The header--the old header was okay but I was more over the color scheme. I wanted grey--plainer, with just a dash of color. Maybe a LOT of color. But, guys, look at my Mission Statement. How can you be happy without color? ;)

Second! The tabs above are newly updated. Because I'm really, like, obsessed with them spanning across the entire page. There ARE filler pages (Mission Statement, My Beginnings, and, for the moment, Tutorials), but PLEASE keep in mind that my baby isn't even a year old yet! The pages will be changing as newer things come around. But they have to be constant things, so we'll see. Anyway, I think .... *

Third! I've started a Youtube channel (and you can click above to reach that), and it will have some do it yourselves as well as the podcasts on there. The podcasts will still be posted with the corresponding posts, but it's just another way for me to publish my content and reach out there. (: Not because I have so many readers, but because my mom and I both think it would be expanding my hobbies more. *... Having a Youtube channel, a Pinterest, and writing for two blogs will keep me busy enough!

Fourth! If you'd care to check the Ship List (now on your left), you'll see my Follower gadget right below that. This is more of an important note for fellow bloggers, but just so ya'll know, if there's anything under your Follower gadget, it will make all of the stuff under it shake for certain people/bowsers/computer companies. If you don't mind the shaking, you should be a-okay, but if you're like me--and really annoyed by it--just put it at the bottom or get rid of it all together. This is going along with the Google+ movement, but can be avoided.

Fifth! I'm not too sure when my Keep Calm and Blacksmith picture went away, but I fixed that. Ooops. ):

And finally... If there are any problems with the design, you can contact me at:

inspiration.without.jenn@gmail.com

Inspiration without Jenn. Ouch. Self-burn, eh? >.<

Cheers!

Jenn

WHAT ARE THIS??!!!

Heyyyy everyone!

Just wanted to drop in and tell you all that WO will be "closed" for a little bit! I've got some fun DIY's coming up and I've got a fangirl themed room redo that I'm so excited for!!! Please stay tuned, I will be relaunching on August 21, 2013! Until then, I will be reading your blogs. (:

Also, August 18-20 the blog will probably be down-down for some TLC (again). I've gotten some feedback and we're going to be going with a close but different color scheme, and it should look fantastic! It should be awesome!

Anyway, see ya'll on August 21!

Cheers!
JEnn

So Many Things!

Hi everyone!

Yikes! I've obviously been busy--otherwise I wouldn't be lacking on my blog! It's very chaotic lately, with all the stuffs.

Wait, what stuffs?

WELL--I've painted my brothers room, and am right now working on the exterior of the house (lunch break!). Tomorrow, my fam is going to get some free paint (yayness!) for my room, which means studying up and deciding on my colours. Because I recently swapped sides with my sister (one of my main projects--three days into it and it's *still* going on? Luckily, though, it's not my stuff. It's my sister's stuff, because she refuses to stay neat. (she's a hoarder....)

Anyway, I'll post pics in the before-and-after post, but my room is super dark. Like, the walls are painted a muddy purple. It's horrible. (our house was basically a bachelor pad before we moved in)

So, I recently found out that my mom hates painting. Like, really, really hates painting. Which is why I've been going through and painting all of the rooms in the house. I recently made a list of all the rooms, and we're going through in order of easy-to-access. My room is the first because we're still moving furniture and while it's messy, we can work it. (yay messy rooms?) I don't know what colours, though! I was thinking bright and freakin' girly, but then I was like "Maybe not?" NO SAY!!! D:

ANYwhOO, I'm going to go do some "research" and hope I come up with something good or some colours I like. And then I will murder my sibling for being annoying.

Cheers!
Jenn