Talking to Myself

Life has been hectic. And by hectic I mean, at school's its just been focusing on what I need to do--work, homework, notes, reading, answering questions, hitting metal, repeat. And while that's not a bad thing, sometimes I wonder if that's a good thing. Recently, I went in to go see a teacher I had last semester--one I talked to a lot, usually through our journals. I would write twenty or so pages every time it was assigned, and had a lot to get out. Eventually, it led up to me going into see the counselor every week or so, just to discuss things.

And it wasn't always about something. Usually, it was just talking about the fluff in life--we would laugh, relax, and I would get out my aggression in a safe, controlled environment. It didn't ever occur to me that maybe, just maybe, I had something wrong with me. I mean, I didn't know that many kids that went in on a weekly basis to talk about stuff. But then, I was the only loner in the school that didn't really have any friends. It was just me.

Anyway, this teacher really helped me out. I think I needed that push to go see the counselor--I had always heard scary things about her, terrible things. But after that first meeting, I think it hit me how stupid I had been. Here was a resource at my disposal that I really needed to use, and should use! It ended up being the most helpful thing in the end. And to this teacher, I owed a lot. And the other day, I went in to say hello.

Now, I was pretty nervous. I hadn't seen her--we were both pretty busy, and my study hall was taken up by blacksmithing. But this one day I could come back to set up artwork, so I did, and have ten minutes remaining. I took the time to go and say hi, and it struck so much fear into me. What would she say? How would she react? Calming my nerves, I knocked on the door, and I was welcomed with open arms.

We didn't talk about much. She is being forced to leave the high school, which is really unfortunate. We talked about life, my brushes with some stuff, things in general. I wasn't thinking of much when she said something that hit home:

"You're just so busy these days!"

I was a little perplexed at first. Busy? I went around school, just like any other kid. I broke my tailbone, which made me less busy if anything, I kept to my business like always--how did that make me busy? Then, like a brick in the face, it just... hit me. Hard.

I had made myself busy in school. I had started to focus more on studies, writing, work--being a good student. And, in the long run, my relationships did suffer. But they suffered in the way that I'm not sure is good or bad--I mean, I'm kind of happy some of them ended. I'm not the sort of person to sit around and make close friends with everyone. That doesn't mean that I'm harsh--but yeah, I kind of expect you to act nice around me if we're going to be friends. And the people that were iffy ended their friendships with me when life got busy.

And I'm not saying--"Hey! If you're not will to put time and effort in, you should just leave!" It's more of: "Um, yeah, I'm an introvert. I will not talk to you all of the time, unless you absolutely need me. Because that's me. Sorry."

If you're not cool enough for an introvert... then maybe it's best we don't be friends. Because no, I don't like those "cute" pictures you plaster all over your Facebook wall. And those quotes and statuses are just words that you're helping to become our generation's greatest clique's. And yes, I do find it annoying that you claim to be the biggest fan of something when you haven't read the book. And most importantly: No, I don't think it's cool or "BFF-esque" that you want me to get into a random relationship with a guy I might not even like because "It would be so cute to date at the same time!"

And how many girls would still be my friend if I actually told them that? Zero. So, yes, I grin and bear it and hug the steam out of those that need it. I've faked my way through friendships before, just to make a potential friend happy and just to get ditched for a guy. And a bit of me fades every time. It's like constantly wondering if it's worth it.

I know, I'll never find a Betty-bun-head like me. I know I'll never meet another girl that loves being a Whovian and digs staying indoors and play Kingdom Hearts and Mario Party. I get that. And I get that I'm too busy to really have friends in school. I'm too focused. I'm my own worst nightmare, I'm my own enemy. I get that. 

I still get lonely, though.
And sometimes, I feel like I'm talking to myself.
Like I'll never be heard, and no one wants to hear me.
I'm just another face.

And maybe I'm shallow and not worth being friends with--fine. Maybe I should start getting F's and hanging out with the "cool" kids, and begging my mom for fancy clothes I know I could never afford. Maybe that would fix my problems? (doubtful)

So, because I like talking to myself, I'll end with this:

I'm grateful to have somewhere to cry at. 

And that concludes it. 

Cheers! 

Jenn