I'm an Ostrich (Help! Jenn's and INTJ!)

Hi everyone!

So, I've been feeling crummy and all-around sad and I haven't been able to put a finger on it until a weird Google search (c'mon, new information makes me happy) lead me to Ostracism. The idea is that one person for whatever reason is ignored by a majority of people, leaving them to learn the workings of the world by themselves.

Okay, I know, this is going to be a long, winded post, but it's just an explanation. I promise, I don't want to come off as complainy--most of this stuff has already happened, and I don't mourn, I accept facts. Remember: I'm an INTJ. But here's the story of how I actually became one.

It started in 2012, back when I was dating someone and the number of times I had been getting kicked out were increasing, and my all-around happiness was decreasing. I wasn't happy in my relationship, and I knew it--but when you are in a just really bad situation, you don't usually reject those that take you in. But then, I wasn't really happy in general--getting kicked out for reasons I didn't understand were hard. I had PMDD then, and I knew that my anger had something to do with my period, but mom refused to get me checked out, and instead let my anger bother her so much that extremely harsh words were said and people left or got left out in the cold. It was a really, really bad situation that still haunts me today.

Anyway, most of my happiness was me fakin' it like a pro. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't fun, but mom had told me time and time again that these were our problems and not other people's, and that going to a counselor or talking to someone she had not pre-approved was out of the question (and those pre-approved people usually told my parents absolutely everything afterwards, so they weren't an option). It was a really, really rough time and I still detest the fact that my 'rents wouldn't think that maybe I just needed to go see a doctor or something for help.

But then things went down hill really quickly. My parents went through some rough spots. My boyfriend broke up with me--knowing that at that moment, I needed someone. So badly. My friends didn't call me back, they ignored me, wouldn't talk to me, and once school started--they were rude. I didn't have a clue of what was happening with my life anymore, and I didn't know what was going to happen.

(please note: Faith played a huge part in me still being here, but due to some people I've had the pleasure of speaking with, I actually won't go into that. Mostly because I'm tired of people not listening to me when I say if I did not put all of my trust in God I would have killed myself then I know where my faith stands, please stop doubting me.)

Erm... moving onward, this was a serious time of self-development. It was a time that I got to learn about myself, my real friends, my family--and it was a really hard time. Even going into school, it was still a crazy time of learning about myself.

I don't know what "type" I was before that all happened, but I was out-going, social, I wanted many friends and I liked being apart of a group. I was always busy, my house was a hang-out for all of my girlfriends and our movies were the best. For me, being out-going--and even snotty at times--meant fitting in, and I liked it that way.

But when they left, for whatever reason, leaving me to figure out the pieces--it was hard. Besides my faith, I turned to Pinterest and baking blogs. I made cakes and artwork, I spent my summer earnings on canvases and furniture and paint. I deleted all the negative friends on Facebook and filled it with dancing and positive pages. I read and wrote and kept busy, I worked out until I lost 50lbs. I wasn't "happy"--I was still figuring things out, but I was busy. Being busy gave me no time to think about the breakup or how my life felt out-of-control. Instead, being artsy and changing my room's shape every few days made me happy and like I had total control of my world.

When I got back to school, I realized how time to myself had really changed me. I was cold, studious. I didn't talk to people, I read books and kept to myself. During homecoming week, when there was the collective lunch, I ate by myself at my own table. Granted, I nearly cried, but it was part of what the world was making me--I wasn't outgoing any longer, I was scared of being rejected again and again.

But soon that faded. It faded into fact: These people don't like me, therefore, I've got to find my own people.

And it might be harsh to those that I go to school with--but none of you made an effort to be in a group with me, and all of you shooed me away or gossiped about me behind my back. So yeah, I moved on. I'm always open towards a friendship though--just know that I'm not the girl you might've known before.

But, "my own people" was a challenge. I searched in my ballet class, clubs--everywhere. I couldn't find anyone. Until, of course, I found the internet. And on the internet, there was a great place where people blogged and expressed themselves and could manage what sort of world they thrived in.

I wanted to be a part of that.

So in February, I made a blog. I decided I would stick with it, through thick or thin. Content would be rough some days, but I would learn. I still am. And quickly, I learned that blogging was something that I loved--it kept me busy while others mocked me, it made me happy even though no one really read it. It was the place I could call my own. It was my inspiration to be creative.

And ostracism was what brought me here. Here, one year from all that, a-okay and working. I hope this year is better, if not--I hope I can blog about it. :)

Cheers,
Jenn