I just got done performing at our high school's variety show--a collection of (mostly) singing that is done live by students for band equipment. And I did a dance number! Because I'm a dancer?
See, I had my mom video tape it. And I watched it afterwards. It's not a big deal, really, no one knows how to dance so it wasn't a big thing if I failed or not. But because it was video taped, I got to watch myself dance it, right. after. I. danced. And it wasn't exactly pretty, graceful, or what I thought it looked like. And my technique was on--it was just me.
For starters, I have pretty crummy self-esteem to begin with. I don't like dancing unless it's in a group, and especially if it's one of those dance styles where it's preferable that you have skinny muscles--which I don't have. Like, you're supposed to have:
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| See? Sleek muscles that add a graceful, fluid movement to everything. |
But really, I have:
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| See her bulk? Her HUGE GIGANTIC MUSCLES PERFECT FOR IRISH DANCING? |
And I'm not complaining. I've impressed many a person with my big, bulky, awesome for Irish dancing muscles. But I just don't think it's right anymore for my career--I'm built as an Irish dancer. I'm built as anything but graceful, fluid, fun. I'm just... an awkward turtle.
Maybe I'm being super hard on myself? Maybe this is a horrible decision--especially after one video. But that video--even the parts that were good were just bad. I just feel bad. I feel embarrassed. I've never been embarrassed about dancing before, but I was with that. I felt embarrassed over every dance I've ever done, every time I've done something worthwhile that involved dancing--I felt so. embarrassed. And yeah, it broke my heart, but no, I don't care anymore.
So, I'm turning in my "dancer resignation." I don't think it's right anymore. I don't want to be forever awkward, especially when I'm not built for it. I made it to pointe, though, so kudos!
But, smithing. I can deal with that.
Cheers?/:
~Jenn
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